lesbian starter kit
By Pat Law • Dec 30th, 2007 • Category: UncategorizedPerhaps those girl-on-girl fantasies you have weren’t influenced by your pervy, two-timing, scum of an alcoholic boyfriend. Or perhaps, you weren’t really drunk when you stole a kiss from your ex-roommate Susan in college. Perhaps there is a reason why you always fancied the androgynous male models on Prada’s double-page spread in Vogue.
Perhaps you’re a lesbian in making. A volcano that has stayed dormant in this heterosexual village all along. Oblivious to the lesbian lava brewing slowly but steadily, like grandma’s 1000-ingredient herbal soup, heterosexual nomads surround themselves around you, establishing their lives around your volcano.
What if you feel like your volcano is about to erupt? Don’t worry too much about splattering your lesbian lava upon these heterosexual nomads. It won’t kill them (although no guarantee on any mental distress) and besides, they can evacuate into Dr. Thio Li-Ann’s residence. I’m sure she’ll welcome any heterosexual with open arms.
What I would worry, if I were you, is your transformation and transition into the pussy-loving world in Singapore. Not being from a convent school doesn’t help much, believe me. But hey, that’s why this lesbian starter kit is for you.
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Before I begin, you need to realize that the following advice stem from my personal experience and should not be taken as a consensus point-of-view. For fellow lesbians reading this, please do feel free to add on. Here goes:
1. What’s Your Label?
No honey, we’re not talking about your new Prada bag. Women, gay or straight, love complicating everything and anything. While I personally do not prescribe to any labels, lesbians do categorize their lesbian preferences. If an androgynous-looking woman makes your clit tingle, then you’re a Passive. If you have everything a off-the-shelf-Barbie-doll woman has, and you like your woman to be a mirror image, then you’re a Pure Lesbian (no, I did not create such a dumb term). If you’re feeling domineering and your current man’s a bigger pussy than you, then you might be either an Andro or a Butch (the latter binds). Decide on your label, if any, before moving on.
2. The Lesbian Hair
Now that we’ve got your label settled, it is time to move on to your hair. Your hair will set off the gaydar from a continent away. While it’s important to maintain a little originality, having Lesbian Hair will help other lesbians identify you. When done right, your Lesbian Hair becomes your name card. You won’t even need any introduction.
I love my current hairstylist too much to practice such loyalty but you can try the following lesbian-friendly hair salons if you like. I’m sure they create plenty of Lesbian Hair everyday.
Hair Pride
244N Upper Thomson Road
T: 6553 4718
W: www.hairpride.net
(by the way, this place is owned by a very sexy Singapore Girl that I know!)
Curve Hair Studio
Far East Plaza
14 Scotts Road #02-19
T: 6732 6986 / 6732 6985 (must be damn popular to need 2 lines…)
W: Sadly, as popular as they are, they haven’t got a website. Tsk.
3. The White Tank Top
Hair settled, time to get the signature white tank top clad by all self-respecting lesbians. Self-respecting lesbians with toned arms, that is. Do not EVER wear a white tank top if you have flabby arms. You don’t deserve the right to lower the perceived attractiveness of our lesbian industry. It’s quite damaged as it is already.
4. Tools of Choice
On the topic of toned arms, just remember that lesbians fuck with their arms (no, not the whole thing, the fingers that come attached with their arms, silly). Which means, if they have toned arms, they are certainly getting some on a regular basis. Either that, or they are gym rats. No prizes for guessing how I maintain mine. 
5. Breeding Grounds
Is it me, or are lesbians sprouting out nationwide like wild mushrooms? I can’t ever seem to avoid them when I’m at Citilink or Plaza Singapura, not that I mind, really. Once you look the part, it’s time for you to find fellow lesbians to breed with. Do bear in mind that most lesbians are rather ‘clique-ky’, so don’t be too disheartened if no one approaches you.
Fridae provides a comprehensive guide to the places in Asia where lesbians breed which you should read. Here’s my little two cents’ worth.
Toca Me (95 Club Street)
Photo courtesy of Toca Me
If there is a bar where uptight lesbians do loosen up and mingle with you, Toca Me would be it. This cosy but sleek bar is tucked sweetly at the corner of Club Street, a popular drinking strip patronized by alcoholic Ad Girls (and men). Friendly, but not sleazy, this is why you’d find me here seeking solace in my whiskey rather often.
Night & Day (139 A/C Selegie Road)
Getting to this lovely hybrid of a bar cum art gallery for the first time is almost as tough an accomplishment as finding good looking and intelligent lesbians who aren’t already taken. But I promise you, once you find your way to Night & Day, you’ll be rewarded with an experience like no other. Arts, Advertising & Media industry lesbians can be found here over the weekends.
Play (21 Tanjong Pagar Road)
Two Queens Party is held weekly on Thursdays at Play. If you want to see oceans of lesbians congregate and party together, this place would be it. I’ll recommend for you to go early, or subject yourself to an endless snake-like queue that wraps around the building by 11pm.
Zouk (17 Jiak Kim Road)
Quarterly Herstory parties are held at Zouk. The next one’s on 10 January 2008. Again, go early unless you know someone who knows someone who knows the organizer.
Chillz Bar (33 Circular Road)
I guess, with a cheap, sleazy, completely low-class tagline like The place to ‘jio’ & be ‘jio-ed’, meeting established, sophisticated, and refined lesbians would be quite unlikely. Oh well, if you’re into grammar-deficient (fucks me babies!), Hokkien-speaking lesbians, then why not? Even I, resident Ah Lian known to many, will not lower myself to be seen in a place like that.
6. Finding Lesbians Online
3 key sites: Fridae, Two Queens Party and Herstory. Don’t be too disheartened if conversations aren’t the most enticing (hi, can we be friends?). Lesbians aren’t known to be smooth operators.
7. The Lesbian Tribune
Being loud and opinionated, I acknowledge that I probably generate more gossip than your average lesbian. I don’t let the gossip get to me, simply because I recognize the ones gossiping about me are people who:
• Do not know me. Just because we have probably shared a table drinking at Toca Me doesn’t mean you know even 1% of me. If you can bring yourself to make a false accusation about me without bothering to find out the truth, that really, you’re not even worthy of my time to begin with.
• Run out things to talk about. Beyond “where are you?” and “what did you do today?”, I guess not all lesbians have lives rich enough to talk about, and therefore move on to talk about mine. I don’t mind, but perhaps for your own sake, you might want to try to read a bit more. The Straits Times, for a start. Time and Newsweek, if the language’s not too hard for you to grasp. Then perhaps, you have more to talk to your friends about besides me.
• Are cowards. My dislike for cowardice is a known fact to my friends. If I have an opinion about you, I’ll be happy to say it in your face. Unfortunately, the ones spreading the gossip aren’t very honorable, are they? Don’t they always start a rumour with “Don’t say I said this but…”? Have you met one who has the guts to raise her hand up to say “I said this about you.”? No. So why should I be affected by cowards? I know I’m better than them all combined.
• Are young, insecure, immature and most of all, UNIMPORTANT. A regional managing director won’t have time to gossip about me (or bother, for that matter). The president of Marketing Communications at BBC certainly won’t sit around to talk about my life. A credible woman with an established career will not subject herself to being called a gossip queen by spreading unsubstantial rumours about me. For those who’ve been subjected to gossip assaults, think about it… aren’t they your usual pathetic unimportant poor souls left behind in this competitive society? I’ll let this lot gossip about me. I’ll treat it as charity.
When you enter the lesbian world, you should know that you’ll be subjecting yourself to ridiculous, and unnecessary gossip generated by the above mentioned sad fucks. Do what I do, realize that they are what they are – sad fucks. Let them be, and don’t be affected because really, you should spend your time fucking like bunnies with some hot lesbian instead.
Well, I hope this lesbian starter kit proves useful. Happy New Year, everyone!
*phew*
tis entry made me glad for missing wat’s in the les party scene. and i totally agree on gossips from unimportant people. oh les, evolution is light years away to this group. LOL
This blog entry should be mass produced into brochures to be given out to every new lesbian at lesbian parties. Very well written, and very honest. Especially the bit on lesbian gossip.
I’ve been to toca me once and enjoyed myself quite a bit. Play is too packed with kids for my liking, truthfully speaking. Where do older lesbians hang out anyway?
Hi Pat,
I stumble upon your blog through a friend’s link. You’re hilarious. I’ll be bookmarking you. Keep it up!
Hamie, well I guess in any group, straight or gay, there’s bound to be those little pesky forgotten swines who’d gossip. Nothing much we can do about that really. I sometimes wonder how boring their lives must be, to even invest any time in gossiping about others.
Rachel, thank you for your kind words.
Trish, I agree Play can be packed with kids sometimes, but bear in mind, most older butches look young anyway. I wonder what’s their choice of anti-aging cream… Hmm. The older lesbians I know hold house parties. Of course, you’d probably need to get a private invite to attend those.
Karen, welcome to my blog, and I’m glad you like my writings.
Now that you’re done with the starter kit, can we please have the ‘intermediate kit’ (is there such a thing at all?!) to upgrade ourselves with?
I was perusing your archives and found your entry on ‘Freitag’ products at Actually. Are the prices way steeper than those from the online store (freitag.ch)? Say, how much does a typical wallet cost?
Thanks. (off to spam my friends with this starter kit)
OMG. I spammed two “new” lesbian friends I have with this brilliant article. Figured they’d appreciate the initiation.
I think developing the intermediate kit would be a bit tricky,k. Perhaps one key point to note in intermediate stage is to try to avoid being too consumed by the lesbian community (or any community for that matter). It’s good to always balance your life out with a bunch of heterosexuals (and hence my best buds are all straight!).
The last thing you want is to turn into some angry, biased, judgmental, narrow-minded, man-hating lesbian. I mean, shouldn’t we practice what we preach? If we do not wish for heterosexuals to discriminate against us homosexuals, shouldn’t we do the same too? Funny how some lesbians even discriminate against bisexuals for being open markets. I find that awfully hypocritical.
So there, your one little thing to note in this informal intermediate kit!
Hey hey vick! Wasssssssup! Thanks for referring your lesbian friends to my blog! Glad you like the article!
Jesus. It must be the coffee. Using 4 exclamation marks on you,vick, has been strictly unintentional.
Hahaha……good take on the reply to k. I totally agree. =)
The guide is definitely a must have for new lesbians or experience lesbian i must say ( some ppl just are not cut out to behave properly in public areas ), the last time i went Toca Me it was still called CLUB 95! i heard there are bands playing over at the club sometimes maybe i should drop by soon!
oh and last note i think that if you are a lesbian and you are trying to hide ur sexual orientation ( i am not talking abt parents just friends ) i think that you should just give up on being a lesbian/gay, whats the point when you have doubt and ashamed of yourself/ identity. Come on fellow lesbians and Gays, we got nothing to be ashamed of! One day if ever gay parade is legal in SG( although i doubt it will ever happen ). i will dress in pride and march down with PRIDE in my heart!
Abt that thio li-ann Mp hmmm.. maybe we can all scout around her house and we shall use sling shots and shoot pictures of gay porn into her front porch / doors / windows. lets see what will her reactions be.
Chris C, yes there are some musicians playing over at Toca Me. Iris Judotter’s pretty good, actually. Do pay a visit sometime.
I look forward to the day you dress in pride (whatever that means) and march down with PRIDE in your heart.
Thanks for your kind compliments. Cheers.
I like this posting except for the labels bit.
Why hello, pee. How have you been, of late? Yeah, I don’t fancy the labels bit myself, but such is our community.
Don’t mind me but where do you get white tanks that are not from topshop and are not ribbed? I can’t seem to find the perfect tank.
Good read
Keep it going!
Jill, think both JunkFood and Comme des Garçons have the non-ribbed ones. Karl by Karl Lagerfield too, although they tend to be a bit wussy pussy.
Thanks, Janus. I’ll keep going it you keep coming.
Hi Pat. Fun blog to read. My partner and I have been in Sg for near 4yrs and are just now going out to the gay scene. So true how many are so “cliqueky” I’d love to have a diverse group of friends being we have a lil muchkin as home. I tell you it seems so stressing. We want our gay frens around cuz there’s a like minded common ground as well as our str8 frens cause hey everyone has some personality regardless who or what you shag at night. But getting that balance when you have a family is tough. especailly when it would be great fun to be able to combine the 2 for a chilled out BBQ but no one seems to have any kids around. Oh, by the way…. I totally dig Toca Me I we went there once and there was some hawker place you can order nearby that made the best hong kong noodles. The bartenders were cool to chat to too.
Welcome to my blog, Rox. More importantly, welcome to Silly Sing. I’m my country’s worst critic, but still… this gay community needs more foreign talent. So yes, welcome. Please stay.
I’ve forwarded your comments to the friendly family at Toca Me. Your words are too kind. I’m sure they enjoyed chatting with you too. Say hi if you see my wife and I the next time.
Cheers.
Hi Pat,
I chanced across this article through someone else’s blog. And I loved the last section on the kinds of people who gossip abt you as they are so darn true and amusing! Applies to people in general. Your entries are a pleasure to read; ur caustic humour a balm to my ruffled nerves from work.
Cheers,
cat
Hi Cat, thank you for your generous compliments. I hope to see you around blankanvas.
Hey, thx for the recommendation for lesbian-friendly hair salon. I’m not exactly sure what you meant by “lesbian-friendly”, but i’m going to have my hair cut there soon:)
cool stuff. learning something new everyday. a good site where i can get tips from. continue blogging yea!
Was referred to your blog by a very dear lesbian friend of mine. Absolutely adore what I’m reading so far
needed this post, and am liking what i see, cause im not the right tracks myself here, if you get my drift. will be following
thanks! haha
Much better….how about a heterosexual RE-starter kit ?
You know…for when you’re sick of being two, three or four timed by your scum of an abusive, alcoholic “butch” “girlfriend”?
When you’re sick of the look of utter pain, heartbreak and dissapointment on your family’s faces?
When you’re sick of a “lifestyle” that WILL carry your soul into the pit of Hell?
When you’re finally sick of a sickly, perverse, disgusting, jaded, evil, offensive “lifestyle”…regardless of how “trendy” it might be?
Oh..and “lesbians” CANNOT “breed” !!!
SKOT
My oh my. Apparently, women are now taken as horses now. Breeding indeed!
SKOT, don’t u find that the world is a better place with variety? i do.
i find it wonderful that there are stupid people like you out there, which make people like me look so much smarter in comparison.
it’s really a pity that lesbians cannot reproduce (for now, that is, but with science, who knows what can happen) cos as the rest of us can see, Pat here is so smart, it’s a pity if she doesn’t have a kid. but that aside, despite the fact that variety is good, i rue the fact that heterosexual parents can give birth, because total idiots like u are birthed as a result.
When you learn that Disappointment has one s?
When you realise that your definition Hell probably contains all the cool people and all the sanctimonious arseholes can then go to heaven?
When you learn that love doesn’t matter if it’s directed at men or women, it’s still love, and that’s all that you should believe in?
When you’re finally sick of a perverse, disgusting, jaded, evil and offensive lifestyle, called Fundamentalist religion?
Oh and Lesbians will adopt those castoffs that you create, and provide the love they deserve. Abortion is evil yes, but you’d rather there be underaged teenagers giving birth to kids, when they can’t even tell which end of a baby bottle to feed their baby.
i thought i was dyslexic because i read citilink as clitilink. and i thought your toned arms were from your caffine addiction.
SKOT, your skunk ideals are stinking up God’s name, for your sake (not Christ’s). stop it. your extremist evangelist views is nothing pristine and pure, my dear animal.
mention Heavens only when you’ve met God.
mention Hell only when you’ve met Satan.
mention evil only when you’re personally an evil.
u know not any of these yet speak so rudely to a random cyber stranger u picked. please, your behavior will not earn you any merit or brownie points into Heavens, and it never will. i can assure you that the Purgatory has a permanent place for you if you go on, you’ll be the In-Betweens neither Up or Down. you’re too far from it. you’re just like children building castles in the sandbox yet proclaim that you can build the One Raffles Quay.
don’t swing your axe in front of Mr Ban’s door. my door, if you are wondering.
and if you’re wondering again, i know what evil, Heaven and Hell are, far more than you can ever ever imagine in your lifetime.
Hey SKOTtie baby,
Lesbians can’t breed? True. Well, let’s just say we’re saving the World’s population from having yet another retarded scumbag like you.
Oh btw, may i ask how do i ask for a ‘namecard’ on the hair part? I’m not really looking towards hardcore butches styles but i’m quite lost at how to tell the hairdresser which hairstyle to sport. Any advices?
W, I’ll be doing a How to turn your hair lesbian article soon. Stay tuned!
nice kit there, looking forward to the hair post.
Random side note: I’ve been screwing up my friend’s otherwise-working-gaydar. yay me! (: