blankanvas

Why do you think you’re here?

The picture-perfect host asked of the contestant.

Because size matters?

I muttered under my breath. There the contestant stood, resembling an over-stuffed pita wrap with loose bits spilling out from all possible corners, on stage during the semi-finals of So You Think You’re Andro III. I did not manage to catch hold of her response for I was promptly interrupted with a squeak of disapproval from over my shoulder.

You so bad! The little munchskin pouted. Ok, so I wasn’t that subtle. But hey, by my standards, being bad is when I make that announcement over the microphone. Boy was that tempting, especially after her dirty dancing demonstration. Watching snails fuck would have been less of a torture.

Take the mic away from me. NOW.

I pleaded (and warned) the three other judges, who were considerably more compassionate than I am, as I watched the dirty dancing in utter horror. The performance was so bad, it was good… in a bad way.

I was invited to be a guest judge in the semi-finals of the event and I’ve given the organisers my word not to make any contestant cry. I don’t think I could’ve restrained myself should the microphone land in my hands at that point.

I don’t think I’m bitchy as much as I reckon I’m just politically handicapped. If you’re fat, I’ll say you’re fat. If you look like you’ve just knocked down by a bus, I’ll say you look like you’ve just knocked down by a bus. Not by a bicycle. Not by a train. But by a bus. I say things like I see them. Not everyone can handle the truth, I realise. Which is why I made sure I never got hold of the microphone. That’s me trying to be nice, aight?

That explains why I have yet to mention her name – and I won’t. Consider this a value-add.

It has been fun being a guest judge, and it was pleasantly enjoyable and extremely entertaining – the skits the contestants were involved in were fab although I haven’t got a fucking clue what shuffling meant. I can’t say I remember all of them – they began to look alike after 60 seconds but one particular contestant did manage to break through the clutter and capture my attention.

Yes I’m being dramatic. After all, I’m talking about lesbians.

Her name was Ching and judging by the reception of the crowd, one needs to be deaf to not realise she was the crowd’s favourite too. Quite rightfully so. She had to perform a skit where she was a waitress and a customer has found a finger in her soup, and she had to convince the customer it was that of a sausage. Given barely seconds to perform the skit after it was revealed to her, she said:

This is a lesbian restaurant. And what do lesbians use (gestures with 2 fingers)? Of course that certainly is not a finger!

Not too bad I thought. Her articulation was a relief given what I’ve heard from the rest, and being quick witted is always charming. God knows how ridiculously slow I am with challenges like that. I’d have such a pregnant pause for a response, the audience would need to wait 9 months before the answer gets delivered!

So, who won the finals people?