The Ex

By • Oct 8th, 2007 • Category: The Bitch

I bumped into an Ex-girlfriend I have not met over three years last week. She has gained so much weight that her neck has gone missing. If she has a tattoo, it should say Air Pork. Indeed, it was a Mastercard moment for me, considering the fact that she was the one who cheated on me for 3-quarters of our relationship. It brings such joy to gloat over her greasy size 14 figure, and I don’t deny being a humiliated and bitter Ex-girlfriend, who got cheated upon, not by some Angelina Jolie lookalike mind you, but a bowl of pig-trotters.

I cannot forgive myself for having once eaten that bowl of pig-trotters. Yuck.

The personalities an Ex hold is truly multi-dimensional. Both you and I were someone else’s’ Ex. We have resumes with at least an Ex for a past employer. We have current girlfriends or boyfriends with Exes too. And for some of us, we have girlfriends or boyfriends who were previously our Exes.

One time or another, we would encounter an Ex or be an Ex of the following characteristics. For purpose of simplicity, the Ex will herewith be referred as a Female.

1. The 2-in-1 Ex
You dumped your girlfriend (aka The Loser) to be with someone else. A month later, you decide to call The Loser. You want to meet for coffee, not because you really miss her, but you need to gloat about your happiness with your new girlfriend to the former witness to your life. No, who the fuck cares about The Loser’s feelings right? You’re so sure she has gotten over you; it’s been a month after all.

A couple of months later, you find yourself crying after a huge fight with your girlfriend. Who do you call? The Loser. She hurries down with a worried face to see you. You cry into her arms. One thing leads to another, and you end up having sex with her.

You realize you do miss the sex with your Ex. But hey, the sex with your girlfriend is good too. You can’t decide if you want your Ex back. In fact, you can’t decide for the next 12 months of fucking both. Perhaps you never will. Consider your luck for having such a loser in your life who loves you more than she loves herself.

2. The I-Love-Her-Forever Ex
Read The Loser as above mentioned.

3. The Lady Macbeth Ex
You find your girlfriend in between someone’s legs, and it ain’t yours. You dump her for cheating on you. Then you find out it wasn’t her first time cheating on you – the first came (pun intended) after your third date. You decide to blog about her infidelity, upload her naked pictures on flickr, and homemade porn videos on YouTube.

4. The Wrinkled Ex
You discover that your Ex is now dating someone much younger than you. You can’t understand the logic behind your Ex’s choice; after all, you’re the one with the established career, looks and wallet. Then you realize she has properties you’ve lost ages ago – youth and personality. No amount of Helena Rubinstein’s Collagenist serum smeared on your face can defy gravity. And in case you haven’t notice, ego-tripping self-indulging eloquence does not, a personality make. Neither do expensive gifts although yes, eBay definitely won’t mind.

5. The Cold Turkey Ex
Upon breaking up with your girlfriend, you deliberately cease all possible forms of communication with her because you realize the cold turkey treatment is the best way to end a relationship. You don’t wish to lose the friendship you have with her, but you recognize that your presence will do her no good in emotional rehab. You speak to her again after a significant period of absence only to find that she has turned into a Lady Macbeth Ex. Bummer.

So, which ones have you been?

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12 Responses »

  1. CLASIQUE!!! you go girl!

  2. i’m the cold turkey ex, except that i’m WILLING to lose the post-breakup friendship because once any relationship’s over, he’s no longer worth it.

  3. what… no entry for the Serial Monogamist?

  4. dakota, thank you. Cute site you have there.

  5. hedonistics anonymous, hmmm, I beg to differ actually. Sometimes, Exes can become friends. As in, real friends who no longer fuck. That said, not everyone can do so without any ulterior motives… half of us just want to fuck our Exes again. Not me though. Been there. Not going back. Just wanna be friends.

  6. pee, you write lah. I open job number and submit job brief. ;) How’s work been?

  7. work’s been the way it usually is — loads of smoke breaks, furious typing, trash-talking and beer after nine. here’s something new: i’m in the x’mas committee. beat that! so far every suggestion of mine has ignominiously gone down in flames… how?

  8. pee, is Coffee Bean still used for smoke breaks? Boy, the place brings back memories alright…

    Incidentally, I was in the 2005 Xmas Committee too. All my ideas were shot down. We had, god forbid, a Publicis Idol Xmas team. Strangely enough, it was the best Xmas party I’ve ever had. So don’t worry too much. I’m sure it’d turn out fine. Don’t forget to take those scandalous pictures and load it on your server!

  9. Pat: Hey darling… hahaha! Thank yew!!! Oh, and just got to say, for the sake of it… RUN THAT BITCH OVER! moahhaha.

    Oh, I love relationships dramas extremity post.

    too much drama queen I am.

    way too much.

  10. Hi, was it you at California Fitness (Bugis) gym earlier? I thought I saw you but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t dare to say hi just in case I’ve mistaken someone else for you! That would have been so embarrassing!

  11. Sorry, do I know you Natasha?

  12. Nope, coffee bean’s completely smoke-intolerant now. These days, I just park my bum on the steps at the lobby and watch colourful cars zip past, or linger by the kerb when the ERP’s about to lift.

    Scandalous pictures… Carolyn’s seen quite a few of mine! :D

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