So Lesbian
By Pat Law • May 31st, 2007 • Category: The BitchEh, so how you lesbians have sex huh?
You eat pussy, I eat pussy. You use real cock, I use fake one lah. Fingers also.
Got fake one meh?
Got. Can buy from this place called U4ria at Orchard Road some more.
How you wear? Show me can?
Cannot.
The colloquial conversation I had was with a friend’s then-boyfriend-now-husband, who is your typical ah-beng-next-door kind of bloke. An extremely primitive fella whose idea of a lesbian is one he sees from a porn movie. I didn’t mind entertaining his curiosity, and explaining to him that most lesbians do not look like Shu Qi from Viva Erotica.
While blessed with the ability to socialize with anything that walks, my individual dislike for conformity make me somewhat of a semi-commitment-phobic social slut in the lesbian circle, if that even make any sense to you. Yes indeed I know my fair share of lesbians in the meat market, but I’m detached enough to take a step back and say So Lesbian at social symbols of lesbianism that are too cliché. Some of these So Lesbian moments include:
1. Alpha Beta Cum Togeda
Lesbians, for some reason, are awfully “clique-ky”. If there is a University of Lesbians Singapore, then there are perhaps, 500 sororities or something. Lesbians like forming groups which they would go just about anywhere with. And if you somehow fancy a girl in a particular group and want to get to know her, you’d probably need to fill in a membership application form.
2.Your current girlfriend is my current girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend
A very common phenomenon in a country with a population of barely 4 million people. Unless you’re one who goes for the straight girls, you’re likely to be connected to your current chick long before you even know her. Do check if you’re slept with her sister before. Trust me, it is quite possible.
3. Phantom Honda 200cc motorbike and Mazda 3
I actually do appreciate both vehicles, but I know enough owners of both to open my own showroom.
4. Where my hood at?
R&B and Hip-hop music. Always, without fail, spinning in lesbian parties.
5. The Number Ten.
1= Skinny femme with peroxide-damaged ceramic perm curls.
0= Severely obese butch in that particular Ralph Lauren polo tee that comes with a vulgarly big logo.
10= 75% of your lesbian couples in Singapore.
Don’t ask me why. I’m still hoping for more 11s.
Sisters, anymore to add on?
5 = Weekend lesbians. Hot in the sheets, cold in the streets.
1 = Man-hating lesbians. Listening to one too many “men suck!’, “they’re disgusting!” epithets can be a severely traumatising experience.
hahaha
this was great
Speaking as a straight guy who can identify with your ah beng next door friend, I must admit we have all been duped by the porn industry into thinking that all lesbians are like Shu Qi from Viva Erotica. I mean come on… who wants to watch a “Severely obese butch in that particular Ralph Lauren polo tee that comes with a vulgarly big logo” go at it with a hot Shu Qi-like femme? There just isn’t a big enough market for that. Not in mainstream porn (if there is such a thing) anyway. Maybe underground porn. You know… where you find other things like S&M, torture, and people who piss on each other.
I really liked this entry. Haha, and now that you mention it (though I didn’t realise it was an industry standard), the Mazda 3 prevalence is rather hard to miss.
And the new Polo tees with the gimongous horse…Just draws more attention to the fact that they’re usually more well-endowed than their girlfriends. Ho ho.
Pee,
I get 1 but how do you get 5???
Midnight, that’s why God gave you me, your resident lesbian.
Hey Vicki,
Hahaha. So true. The 0s always somehow have, erm, bigger assets than their girlfriends, don’t they? I wonder why? Fatter = bigger tits?
I love the Madza 3, and I’ve even gave one a really cool name, but yup, so many lesbians with the Madza 3…
Well, that’s because I’m selective and only ferry cool lesbians around, especially along club street =P zoom zoom!
Yah Madza 3… I’m one of those cool lesbians who sat in your car before. Can’t believe you didn’t send me home and dropped me off at your place instead! Hmmph. Bleah. You owe me a drink for my advice on HOW TO DATE AN AD GIRL (http://patlaw.wordpress.com/2007/04/20/how-to-date-an-ad-girl/) and you know why.
Mazda the ultimate lesbian ride. Alike the batmobile. chuckles.
And I thought I was the ultimate lesbian ride. Chey.
in selected dens of iniquity. Eventually you’ll find yourself barnacled with very drunk (or very impressionable) ladies whose sense of propriety (and possibly, common sense) have all but flown the coop. And sometimes, you go with the flow, sometimes you don’t.
Okay, returning to this issue, now I can’t stop noticing the giant horses. They’re sucking my eyes in…you’ve ruined me.
Hahaha. Sorry lah. Eh, now the femmes also wearing the giant horses leh. Die.
[...] their pussies in our faces, it was pretty boring. Likewise to the local lesbian scene, where every lesbian kept to her own clan, the same could be said for Candy Bar that night. We nearly fell [...]
[...] you look the part, it’s time for you to find fellow lesbians to breed with. Do bear in mind that most lesbians are rather ‘clique-ky’, so don’t be too disheartened if no one approaches [...]
R&B and Hip-Hop should be banned in any party, lesbian or not.
[...] To be unveiled at the 2008 Beijing International Motor Show from April 20 to April 28 2008, the Mazda Taiki is the fourth concept car in the Nagare design series born to seduce any rich lesbian. [...]
…the bitchin. dear lord! the bitching!
this is why i SWEAR by straight girls. only. hahaha! they are also hotter.
sm7catscan, I suppose one should never blog whilst high on PMS.
popagandhi, really? Now I didn’t know our mutual friend named J was straight when she met you…
To contrast, I swear by gay women only. Too much drama going about with straight girls, man. And no, they’re not always hotter what. Look at mine! She’s gay and hotter than any damn straight girl I know.
Heee.
Haha, our mutual friend J was straight when she met me… and so was I!
popagandhi, really? I didn’t know that. I had drinks with J last night. And yes, I confirmed your comment!