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Hey baby, hold my cock for me for a bit would you?

I couldn’t resist the lewd request. No disrespectful and uncouth lesbian would. We were at the cashier’s, happily stuffed with our beef sukiyaki and tempura udon ensemble, ready to leave the Japanese restaurant.

My wife rolled her eyes as she reluctantly wrapped her slender fingers around the handles of my proud package in full view of the bewildered cashier whilst I smugly fished my wallet out for the bill. Yeah, I’m a prick who was blessed with a woman’s body that automatically disqualifies me from most counts of sexual harassment liable to our poor men.

The kind people at Jimmyjane, the crème de la crème of all designer vibrators worshipped by many otherwise frustrated women and acknowledged by powerful mavens from the likes of Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue and testosterone-induced GQ himself, delivered a box of lethal happiness to my office during the day. It was wittedly declared as a MASSAGE APPARATUS so as to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment should Customs decide to confiscate it on the premise of it being a dangerous weapon. Technically, that isn’t a lie. The vibrator kneads knots and muscle pains away more efficiently than your Javanese masseuse. Trust me on this one.

Redefining the way we view otherwise embarrassingly vulgar sexual accessories (have you seen the 18-inch two-way baseball bat?), Jimmyjane infuses the ephemera of sexiness with the substance of design. Needless to say, I was excited, in more ways than one, to find the sexiest substance in my hand in its purest form - The Usual Suspects’ Iconic Rabbit.

Probably the best known vibrator ever made, this rabbit has even scored a cameo on Sex and The City in 1998. Created in Japan over 25 years ago, when the country wasn’t too crazy for soiled panties yet, this celebrated animal was the first to offer simultaneous internal and external stimulation. So successful was its performance, the rabbit was said to have replaced the penis in some women’s sexual lives. I suppose the latter takes a longer time to recharge. Plus it snores too.

My wife and I ran a race with the rabbit a couple of weeks back. Its footsteps were intimidating initially, but we weren’t expecting to hear Chopin anyway. More romantic than the buzz of a tattooing session, the journey was somewhat like an oil drill. Except that in this case, I was drilling for white gold and not black. I have never made such a massive fortune in such a short period of time, until now.

The effectiveness of the rabbit does inject a little dose of apprehension in me. I mean, I’m human and I probably wear out faster than a team of 3 Duracell AA batteries (hey, at least I’m honest, unlike you, Mr All-Night) and I snore with a full orchestra’s support when I’m too knackered. What if my wife decides to replace this Pig with the Rabbit?

Ahhh. Now I understand why the AFTERGLOW natural massage candle was included as well. Oh those sneaky geniuses. If the rabbit wins the race, I’m the bloody coach that got him there. The AFTERGLOW lights up innocently like any other candle. The differentiating factor comes from how the wax liquefies into high-slip massage oil that softens and hydrates the skin. Quite literally, I get to be Romeo who pours a little silky warmth and kink along the contours of my wonderland.

Thank you, Jimmyjane, for making us so, so drenched in happiness.