great lesbian expectations
By Pat Law • Dec 3rd, 2007 • Category: Lead StoryMy wife will probably have you know that sans Taiwanese-porn-star-face-with-whiney-voice aside, I am considerably the epitome of a man’s woman. I love football, beer, or both at the same time on a Saturday night. I’ll certainly not be jealous of you checking some hot, whos-your-daddy ass out, in fact, I’m sure I will check that ass with you. I can’t cook to save my life, but I can read the menu at a restaurant. In short, as my mum will disdainfully remark, I am like a woman with balls.
While I could have completed the fairy tale by dating and eventually marrying one lucky man, making all Dr. Thio Li-Anns happy (pun not intended), I cannot do so. I am a full-blown lesbian. I don’t yearn for your cock. Hell, I think I have a nicer looking one than yours. Always hard, doesn’t spurt potential babies out, and detachable upon request.
Likewise to how women hold gay men’s views on them with high regard, I reckon the same applies for men with lesbians’ views on them as well. Removed from any desire to fuck one, do recognize that lesbians’ opinions on men are truly objective.
My expectations on a man are unapologetically high. If a man behaves more of a pussy than I am, then does that not make him a lesbian? The cock he has must be a biological error made by God then. My point is, if God gave you a cock, you better rise up to expectations. And yes, this time the pun is intended.
For the record, just in case you think I’m one of those moody and miserable lesbians who hate men, my best buddy happens to be a heterosexual man, married with a beautiful daughter. A good handful of close friends I have are men, and it is only because they have met (and exceeded) the expectations of this football-loving lesbian. Check out the list below and let me know if you have anymore to add.
TOP TEN TRAITS A MAN SHOULD HAVE
from a lesbian to man
1. Quit whining
I absolutely detest men who whine. The cost of petrol has gone up? Don’t drive. Can’t cope with your workload? Bring it up to Management or quit. Singaporean women are too materialistic? Don’t date them, live up to their expectations, or go buy yourself a wife from some third world country. Quit whining and get with the fucking programme. Do you need the government or your mummy to tell you what to do?
2. Ladies first
Entrances, food orders, conversations. A man with manners would let a lady go first. Just in case we have pea brains reading this, perhaps I should elaborate further:
- Entrances:
Doors aren’t really that heavy, trust me. It won’t break your arm opening one for a lady to enter first.
- Food orders:
Here’s where a lot of gentlemen wannabies go wrong. It’s your job to order for the lady before yourself, and not have her cite her own order before yours.
- Conversations:
There is a bloody reason why the ladies always complain that you never listen.
3. A man of his word
If you make a promise, you keep it no matter what. A man worthy of his cock knows that actions speak louder than words.
4. I believe this is yours…
The equation is fairly simple. Your decision = the consequence = your responsibility. Unfortunately, given how spoilt rotten our precious sons are compared to our second class daughters, I don’t see a lot of local men with balls to accept responsibilities for their own actions.
5. Don’t make someone else do your work
I detest skivers, both men and women alike. If you’d like for someone else to do your work, have the decency to pay for his or her time. And don’t you dare take his or her credit.
6. Be decisive
Make a decision and stick by it. Don’t be a wuss and spend 20 minutes wondering if you should buy a pink or blue Paul Smith shirt. How the hell are you supposed to lead a company if you can’t even decide on the color of a damn shirt?
7. Admit to mistakes
Only when you recognize your shortcomings then can improvements begin. And that’s why a good amount of us stay in the same vicious cycle making the same mistakes time and time again.
8. Rolling your own moolah
A real man does not take pride in driving daddy’s sexy Maserati; he knows he didn’t earn it. A real man takes pride in making 1/10th of what his dad makes, only because he has done so on his own.
9. David Beckham effect
I have no idea what warrants a man to demand any respect from me should he spend more time in front of the mirror than I do. Unless of course, he is gay. If that’s the case, I’d probably want to pick up new styling tips from him.
10. Not everyone’s as encouraging as your mother
There will be times when you, your work, or perhaps even your uglyfuck face, get criticized by others. Don’t get personal, get even. Prove them wrong. Else, pay a visit over the weekend to your mother and have her reboot your ego system.
Do you know of any man who acts like a pussy? Share your story with us.
I’m glad you share some of your posts with me.
This one made me laugh more than once.
I know a certain badly-Hung one who would score a distinction based on your 10 points.
Why don’t you start the very first (probably only one of its kind ever) gentleman’s training school. You can call it “Be a Man, Do the Right Thing” and have the chinaman in Russell Peters’ joke do the keynote welcome address. Hahaha….
I can’t stand guys who are both too lazy to cook and too lazy to go out and tapau food. I don’t care if he chooses to starve, but please don’t make me starve along with him.
And when I finally beh tahan and grab the car keys to go out and tapau, he’ll go like, “Help me tapau one fried rice, can?”
Nabehs.
Shanna, I’m glad I’ve been funny to you. My mum laughs a fair bit too… especially when I go on about knowing I’d be a billionaire.
Wifey, yeah… can I send you to kick his ass for me?
Midnight’s Driver, you should start the school… men should be more like you. And thank you for having the balls to hang out at Toca Me with me.
hedonistics anonymous, hmmm, how do you even hang out with such men to begin with?
i was once a misguided college kid.
I’d kick his balls foryou… if I could only find them
That’s my girl.
I don’t think it would be viable. You can’t teach a man what he doesn’t already have in him. Sooner or later… the slob in him will still surface.
And as for Toca Me… anytime. : )
Midnight’s Driver, that’s true… well your wife’s a lucky woman. And hey, Toca Me next week?
I love love love love LOVE this article!
Thanks for the effort!!!
KANGYONG, thanks. It was quite effortless, really. Doesn’t take half a brain to bitch.
Yes there’s a true pussy that I’ve just met lately.
Being the loudest in class, he’s manage to get himself a great deal (promised some media ppl that he’s gonna get 100 ppl to a live show) and then he turns it into a big deal by running off like a pussy then throwing what’s left of his mess to pussy cleaners (that’s me).
I just don’t get it what’s so hard about getting 100 ppl to a live show like how he said he could…
He must totally lost his dick somewhere…
Got linked to your blog from LOTL and I enjoy reading your entries.
I really like the 10 traits that you listed out, it can be almost applied to both sexes to make an excellent person. Usually females’ expectations of men are favorable to themselves, while males’ expectations of themselves consist of excuses.
I do know of a guy who act like a pussy, he was leeching his gf’s money all along and when she broke up with him, the first thing he asked was, “Is it that I have no money?”
i do agree with most of the points in this interesting article….however…..i would like to express a few thoughts of mine….not to correct…..but to share pls….thanks!
a man’s cock primary purpose is for peeing, main would be ejaculating sperm for reproduction, fucking ard is strictly optional, hence it really got nothing to do with how a man should be like…..
whining is ok, really ok, its human nature, just more or less…whining and yet not knowing what one’s is whining about to others is then fuckingly damn not ok….
we can have every man fufiling all these 10 traits….provided every woman speak out their mind….possible?
strictly my opinion…no intention to offense….any misunderstanding regretted….
drex, thanks for your input… and no, I don’t think you offended anyone. Now, now, don’t be afraid.