8 tips to get a cougar into bed

By • Dec 31st, 2011 • Category: Lead Story

Broadly speaking, eighteen-year-old girls are easy. Not easy, as in prostitute cheap, but let’s face it, it’s harder to impress a high-flyer of a woman with 35 years of experience of love, drama, sex, money, and whatnot, than a girl who’s not even done growing boobs yet.

A woman who pays her own mortgage every month versus a girl who’s pissed off with daddy for not giving her money to start her own blog shop.

Yes, they are very different, at risk of stating the obvious.

I felt compelled to write this article, as a result of listening to my mate lament over how off-putting her apparent toy boy was. Against my divine advice of f***ing and chucking, she stayed long enough to be disgusted.

Dude, when you have washboard abs and you somehow manage to dry up a woman’s pussy with a text message, you need to review your social skills IMMEDIATELY.

This article is for all young boys (and girls of course), feeling ambitious enough to want to shag a cougar.

TIP 1: DO NOT TALK ABOUT LOVE
Listen honey; these are women who view you as a timeslot in their iCal. These are women who may potentially be interested in shagging you for the fun of it. That’s it. Sex. Nothing else. Surprise surprise, but they don’t need 10 handwritten love poems or a declaration on Facebook, before giving you a good f***. They don’t need you to bullshit serenade them. In fact, it might be quite an insult to their intelligence should you even try.

TIP 2: BE REAL
There is nothing more sexy than a man who’s comfortable in his own skin. And usually, it takes years for anyone to be that comfortable. No one expects you not to have any insecurities – we are all human here, but for a start, don’t be faking an American accent as a result of a very short stint living in… London (true story, I promise).

TIP 3: NEVER DRIVE YOUR DAD’S CAR OUT TO PICK HER UP, HOWEVER FANCY
Ferraris, Porsches, Mercedes and every other car that says, “Hey, date my dad instead!” should be kept in the garage. Seriously. WTF are you thinking? Unless you look older than your dad, all you’re really doing is making the woman feel older.

TIP 4: MINIMISE THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU SAY “LIKE” AS PUNCTUATION
Because like, you’re not like, Justin Bieber, who like, in the first place, isn’t like, really her type of man, you know what I’m saying?

TIP 5: NEVER WHATSAPP PICTURES OF YOURSELF HALF NAKED
Let me break it down for you why not:

1. It implies you love yourself. A lot.
2. It implies you think she’s that much of an airhead to fall for that cheap shot (pun not intended).
3. It shows how desperate you are.
4. Your desperation ultimately implies how dramatic you’d be as soon as she dumps you after your fuck.
5. Because the ability to talk about world issues is, believe me or not, sexier than the boxers your mum bought for you.

TIP 6: NEVER FLASH YOUR ABS IN PICTURES
Read tip 5.

TIP 7: A REAL PLAYER DOES NOT FLAUNT
When you brag about sleeping with Camilla, Sheryl and Hannah without protection because “the condom’s too tight” (oh please do not ever say that if you’re a fucking 5”5 Chinese man) she thinks “Chlamydia, Syphilis and Herpes”. No, your dick is not worth any of the diseases trust me.

TIP 8: DON’T ACT YOUR AGE
She’s not ready to be your mother.

Front image courtesy of ABC/ Michael Desmond

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7 Responses »

  1. This is pure gold, Pat. Thanks for the laughter!

  2. HILARIOUS. Love it!

  3. Lol lahz!

  4. Awesome post. Need to be on treading page.

  5. Sometimes we all just need some truth, this is a truth bazooka laced with snark cyanide just for good measure.

  6. Sometimes we all just need some reality, this is a reality bazooka laced with snark cyanide just for good measure.

    http://www.the-reno-man.com/

  7. This is pure gold!!! Definitely love tip five, thanks for the warning!

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